Um! Pak! Tok! Tugush! Ka-blog!

Link: http://lilitreyes.multiply.com/journal/item/477

Two nights ago, I went to bed ahead of my husband, who’s still busy playing a PC game. Appa followed me to the bedroom. I called him to join me on the bed and my even-tempered shih tzu obediently hopped on the mattress.

I turned my face on the wall, as it is customary for me to fall asleep that way. Then I felt Appa sniffing furiously at my nape. Then he didn’t stop at just that. He then began to frantically scratch at it with his two front paws, like he’s digging.

I bolted up right, irritated. “APPA, NO!” I shouted. Like a scolded child, he ran and jumped out of the bed. But then, he sat and started barking angrily at the point just above my head. He wasn’t even looking at me but…at something above my head.

In frenzy, he ran out of the room, then with the same pace, ran back inside and barked, not taking his eyes off from that space above my head. He did this running back and forth and barking several times until my angry reprimands finally made him stop.

I didn’t think about it much and slept. Mabaho kaya ang anit ko?

But last night, it happened again.

I was in the living room, sitting on the carpet surfing the Net, my back against the sofa. Appa purposefully climbed on the couch and again, began sniffing my nape furiously. And then, he started to bark incessantly, never averting his eyes off the space between my head and my right shoulder.

I finally freaked out.

Armin was telling him to stop but at the same time, the bastard was laughing and teasing me about the ghost sitting on the lead guy’s shoulders in Shutter.

He was still doing this even if he could already see that I was crying.

And then Appa climbed down and sat a few feet away from me, but was still staring over my head before he put his own head down between his two front paws and went back looking like the lazy dog that he is.

And then I Googled “Can dogs see spirits/ghosts?” and the results were a resounding YES.

And everytime I happen to have a view of myself on any reflective surface, such as pans and mirrors, and even my shadow on the floor, I would always sheepishly check if there’s a creature perched on my back.

And then I remember, for the past few days, my head and my nape were feeling heavy even after a good night’s sleep…praning.

I thought maybe Appa was just protecting me from whatever it is he’s seeing (or smelling). Poor doggie, to think he’s gonna be demoted to “just the family dog” in a few months…

WARNING: Not for the consumption of hardcore Twilight fans. Baka masipsip nyo ang dugo ko. I just have this (bad) habit of picking on something that’s immensely popular.

…greatly from my expectations, at least.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it didn’t peddle itself as “the hottest books since Harry Potter”.

For a novel to even remotely associate itself with “Harry Potter”, it has to be something great.

I wouldn’t have a problem if it marketed itself as the “hottest teen romance novel series since Sweet Dreams”.

Or even “the hottest chic lit since Gossip Girl” (or Meg Cabot). Now that’s more like it.

I wouldn’t have a problem if it weren’t sold in some slick, beautifully-art directed hardbound cover that must house something worthy inside.

(Sabi na ngang don’t judge a book by its cover eh.)

But it was and it did. And that’s where my problem with it started.

When I was still in highschool and at the height of my Sweet Valley addiction, I actually wrote a full-length novel tackling the same teenybopper storylines (entitled “Too Many Walls” haha).

‘Di ako nagyayabang pero alisin ang wrong grammar at dagdagan ng vampire twist, ‘di siya nalalayo sa Twilight. Both are juvenile and shallow.

I don’t have a problem with linear stories but I have problem with linear and boring storylines.

For me, a novel should be compelling, it should have a certain degree of intricacy or depth, even if it’s talking about something superficial; because reading books, unlike watching a movie, gives the readers all the time to absorb, swallow and rethink every line, every chapter. That’s what made “Da Vinci Code” a good read but a bad movie. The complexities and details of the book just didn’t translate well onscreen.

In the case of Twilight, the simplistic storyline was more apt for a screenplay. But that movie is another story.

Sure, the book had its moments. There were parts when I actually smiled and felt “kilig”. But they’re just that, moments. Not enough to salvage the story.

Like in advertising, the idea—about a highschool girl falling in love with a vampire—is great. The vampire story is such a rich territory, full of possibilities. But the execution just fell flat on its handsome, espasol face.

You give your plot a vampire twist, it should have at least a “rockstar” edge to it, you know. Something gritty and dark, something to blunt the romantic angle. But it did not. The vampire angle merely became a backdrop, an obligatory mention, to a sappy Sweet Dreams plot.

Or maybe Meyer did try to make it that way but the uninspired writing didn’t get it across.

I love reading, and whenever I stumble into nicely written books, both deep and the not-so-deep, my thought balloon would always be “I wish I could write like this.”

Reading Twilight, all I could think of was, “Jeez, I could write this shit.”

Sweet Dreams meets Anne Rice? Come on. It didn’t even meet halfway with Ms. Rice.

The Jane Austen of this decade? Punyeta naman. That would make Ms. Austen turn in her grave. Now that’s scary.

And then there’s the movie…

Edward defenders always defend with the words, “you shouldn’t expect too much from it because it’s just a love story after all.”

Since when did “just a love story” become an excuse for making a bad movie? When?

“Moulin Rouge” was just a love story, but it was wonderfully, vividly spectacular.

“When Harry Met Sally” was just a romantic comedy, but it had become a classic not only in that genre but also in the film industry as a whole.

“One More Chance” looked like just another baduy Tagalog romance but it was funny and witty and engaging.

Now, why wouldn’t I expect much from a love story that has the words “phenomenal” and “No. 1” attached to its name?

Dahil sa lagi akong huli sa balita, by the time I’ve heard of Twilight, the movie version was coming out already. So I did that first.

To say that I was bored to tears is a complete understatement.

The tweeners gushing and sighing all around me whenever a visual of Edward’s espasol face appears onscreen provided more entertainment than Edward himself.

Reading the book (or rather, the pdf file), I found out that the Cullens were supposed to be “moviestar beautiful” but in the movie, they weren’t. Pretty yes, but not vampirely-gorgeous (except for the Carlisle and James characters whom I’m pretty sure were casted because of their resemblance to Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt respectively).

This is the second time Robert Pattinson disappointed me. Cedric Diggory was supposed to be this handsome, popular Quidditch captain in HP. Patty isn’t bad looking, but he isn’t the heartthrob I’ve imagined. The guy playing Viktor Krum was cuter.

And Edward is supposed to be irresistibly gorgeous, and well, Patty isn’t.

And the espasol make-up didn’t help either. Hello, I could do that! Give me lots of flour and cheap red lipstick.  Flour Power na itu!

They’re making a vampire movie for goodness sake; they should’ve at least looked at “Interview with the Vampire” for reference. Now, there’s a great vampire make-up. The kid in “The Grudge” was better made up.

And they’re supposed to be graceful and lithe creatures right? So why the hell does Edward climb a tree like that in the movie? I would’ve imagined a movement as slinky and slick as a leopard’s or cheetah’s, but not a monkey. Now, that scene was funny.

Let’s not even get to the special effects.

And me saying that it’s a crappy movie isn’t even relative to how it was translated from the book. Even if there were no book to base it from, it’s still crappy. Crappity-crap-crap!

Also, I have a little confession to make, I’m not even halfway through the book. So why am I writing this “fury-filled” review? It might seem unfair.

I tried reading it, God knows I did! But then, it came to a point that I was merely scanning the paragraphs and not actually reading. And I told myself, that’s it pansit! My opinion won’t probably change even if get the nerve to finish the book.

‘Di na talaga kinaya ng reading powers ko. Not that it’s a challenge to read (like LOTR, Lolita or The Unbearable Lightness of Being). In fact it’s such an easy read, it’s became uninteresting, to me at least. And I don’t even have Attention-Deficit Disorder.

Good thing I read a pdf file only, I would’ve wasted a great deal of money. If there’s one thing that it is—it’s over-f****n-hyped. That’s it pansit.

I’ve always wanted a beautiful beach wedding, not bongga but something nice and intimate that guests will still talk about even after the day itself. But I never thought I could do it for a half-a-million budget.

At kung kaya kong pag-isipan at i-organize ang kasal ko (almost single-handedly), siguro kaya ko rin i-karir ang kasal ng iba. Ang tanong, if I would have the same passion and time for it.

For someone na super OC and detail-oriented, I’d like to believe I didn’t even become the proverbial Bridezilla. I kept all the stress and pressure inside our condo and sometimes, threw fits in front of Armin, haha!

And ako lang ata ang bride na kilala kong ‘di umattend ni isa mang wedding expo. I just read a handful of bridal mags na puro pa old issues and I built from there.

The following are but my simple tips to would-be brides, and sige na nga, grooms na rin. 

Labor of love ang wedding na itu. Literally.

I. The 4 Ds of a Nice Wedding

a.   Divisoria
• Do not dare raise those eyebrows at humble Divi. For underneath all the filth, grime, rotten smell and throngs of people is a haven of cheap but nice wedding finds. Do check out especially, Tabora and Ilaya Streets. Everything I needed for my beach-themed wedding, I found there! From abaca thingies to banigs to seashells. 

• Going thru the jungle that is Divi is like joining the Amazing Race, sans the glamour. But the savings are worth it, especially if you’re buying by the bulk.  Kaya ‘wag nang maarte.

b. Dangwa
Honestly, I was surprised that all our flower arrangements, inclusive of ento and physical arrangements, reached 20+++k. But if I had it done by a professional florist, the ento alone would have cost me 20k. It’s not to say that the Dangwa peeps are as good flower arrangers as the pros. In our case, we had our wedding stylists mock-up the arrangements and had them reproduced. Kaya ‘wag nang maarte.

c. Details! Details! Details!
• The details will make your wedding personal and not straight out of a cookie cutter everyone has already seen. Think of one mother theme, and work from there. For our wedding, here’s the thought process:

• So everything from the invites, misalettes, table finders, seat cards, gift tags down to the signages needed on the wedding day itself were coffee stained and featured a gorgeous handwriting font I found on the net (except for the invites which featured Lei’s hand writing.)

• Some details were for a dual purpose: The beads were for souvenirs & table finders, the wine bottles were table Ids while providing some background to our love story, and of course, for drinking.

d. Do not do what’s been done.
• No staple church wedding songs or mushy numbers for the ento march. I wanted something sweet but not sappy. But I didn’t have the budget for a String Quartet Ensemble. Enter The String Quartet Tribute versions of my fave rock songs and Across the Universe OST. Even MangoRED commented on how nice the ceremony playlist was. Plus, I kept it secret from everyone else, including the groom.

• Instead of table numbers, we had places & things with great significance to our relationship. And instead of just labeling a table as that, we let our guests know the ‘whys’ behind the names. And we all presented these via personalized wine bottles placed on each table (which were my favorite wedding things but failed to secure even one).

• Instead of just having the ento march before the reception, I had the host say something about them and their relation to us, plus a picture of us with each ento member flashed on the screen.

• Childhood pics slideshow of the bride & groom ain’t new. So we put some kinda twist to it.

• We did away with the usual wedding traditions: dove, cake cutting, wine drinking complete with crossed arms, first couple dance, bride-and-father dance, etc. And I don’t think the guests even minded. 

• But I just had to keep the singles game, which every single guy and girl is averse to, because ‘twas simply so much fun.

II.    Tap Talented Friends 

It’s good to realize that we’re blessed with such talented and creative friends from school and work, who lent us their talents at cost, with discount and some even for free! Value-for-money creativity was easily within reach. 

Let me have this opportunity to thank those I forgot to thank during my wedding:

• Jenny Disini, my ex-Art Director partner for the Ambigram FA and Photoshop tutorial
• Mela Advincula, my Cannes buddy, for the gorgeous old school map for the invites
• Nina Santamaria, Tara Domingo & James Razo, Armin’s friends from the UP College of Arki, our wedding stylists (and for bearing Divi & Dangwa with us)
• Mica Tuano and her mom, Tita Grace, for my fab make-up
• Sherlyn Talactac for her hair styling and video editing expertise
• Rey Agapay for his hosting skills
• Grace Rimando and her events organizing company
• Chie Clemente for road tripping with us to her tita’s house in Malabon for my numerous gown fittings
• Princess Caceres, Mac Imperial, Vida Tamondong, Lei Gempesaw & Miguel Lopez, who lent their signing voices for the choir
• Lei Gempesaw na na super-stressed sa pag-bake ng cake pero super worth it naman ‘cuz very well-received (and well-eaten) and kerot keyk

• Tsok Cordero for his fire-dancing skills
• Erik Matti for the wonderful, spectacular short film on how Armin & Nonie met

III. Prioritize

• Prioritize your budget! In our case, we want talaga our pictures & videos to be super duper fantastic and unique. So kahit mahal ang MangoRED, go na! The videographer wasn’t as expensive and I wasn’t even expecting the on-site video to be great. But it was! Jason Magbanua who?

• Prioritizing means deprioritizing. So the designer wedding gown went into that chart. Honestly, I never even thought of having my dress made by a known designer. True, the craft will be more outstanding I suppose, than an ordinary modista’s. But paying that much, you’ll surely want people to know (aminin!) and you have to name drop. And I didn’t like that.

• Chie has a Tita who sews her sister’s RTW designs. I had a design in mind. My gown didn’t even reach 10k and friends commented that it was a beautiful dress.

• We had to do away with Wedding Wants such as a reggae band and fireworks. ‘Di na talaga kinaya ng budget. And again, I don’t think the guests even missed it.

• The only one true BIG gastos in this wedding was Virgin Beach Resort, them with their OA sa mahal na corkage fee (1500/case of beer; 500/5 gallons of water!!!) and accommodations. And of course, the photographer and videographer. Most of the wedding things were made by ME (including the beaded footwear I gave to my girl abays). It also helps to buy your own printer & ink. 

• And although we went sort of 30k-overbudget, still ain’t bad for an out-of-town wedding. ‘Di pa rin sya OA sa gastos. 

But as of writing, wala na akong pambili ng Christmas gifts…

Side Comment:

Two major wedding stressors (aside from money): 

1. Guest List. I don’t even have to elaborate on how many fights this simple list have caused between couples, in-laws and friends. But it’s probably more complex than you might think. It’s sensitive in a way because it mirrors the important (and the-not-so) people in your lives. To add to the stress, every people on that list come with a price.

2. Guests. We Pinoys do not fully understand (or care about) the concept of RSVP. Kelangan pa i-spell out: Respond Sana Very Please!

‘Di ko alam kung nahihiyang mag-NO or nagtitipid sa text or sadyang deadma. 

To those who confirmed but were a no-show (except for a few who were considerate enough to text me na they can’t make it, eventhough too late na to cancel with the caterer, I appreciate the gesture), you’ll know what I’m talking about when it’s your turn to get married. And to those who didn’t RSVP but showed up…ewan.

A friend told me na you’ll know your true friends via those people who put money and effort to be there at your wedding because Laiya isn’t near; and those who cared enough to tell you they couldn’t come. (May poot…?)

Too tamad to post pics & videos here in Friendster.

Check out my multiply website and videos.

I’m 4’11” but I manage to look 5’11” in pictures.

I’ve a small bone structure but I’m also made up of 25% body fat.

I don’t eat liver but I absolutely love Reno liver spread.

I am so bad with directions but so fascinated with maps.

I love the sea but I’m also very afraid of it.

I don’t dream of being a boss but (outside work) I don’t like being told what to do.

I’m a control freak but I don’t like being responsible for other people.

My pictures don’t look it but I am actually a very shy person. No bull.

I rarely wear make-up or go to the salon but I’m actually vain.

I’m vain but I’m actually low maintenance (kahit itanong nyo pa kay Armin).

I don’t mind eating, shopping or watching a movie alone. But I don’t like sleeping alone.

I like attending my parents’ family/friends gathering but I rarely talk to anyone.

I am not Ms. Friendship but I can be a fierce and loyal friend to somebody.

I’m not a jealous lover but I can be a jealous friend.

It breaks my heart whenever I see animals being abused by man.
But I’m an avid carnivore (although I would never eat animals that are considered pets).

It breaks my heart whenever I see animals being abused by man.
But I’m willing to splurge for a nice, expensive pair of leather shoes.

I believe in God but not necessarily in religion.

I believe that men & women should be treated equally.
But I still appreciate a man who opens doors or gives his seat for a woman.

I believe that there are only two genders: male & female.
But I don’t believe it’s defined by what lies between the legs.

I don’t have a problem with same sex relationships.
But I still cringe when I see two men kissing or making love on screen.

For me, Abortion is not an Option. There’s nothing that can justify killing an unborn child (except for health reasons).
But if I were a US citizen, I still would’ve voted for Obama.

I’ve a soft spot for the black race but I’m actually a little scared of those I see in person.

I used to date tall men because I wanted to be hugged by huge arms.
But I ended up with someone not as tall, but more huggable.

I accept all friend requests on my Multiply and Facebook accounts.
But not on Friendster, “friend” being the operative word.

I don’t really talk that much in person. I’m more of a listener.
But I write really long blog entries. So you better read it.

I never really liked going to Embassy.

What, I’ve been there like twice since Tim Yap and Friends gave this great happenin’ place as gift to Manilakind’s most elite (and nag-e-elite-elitan).

Not because I suddenly felt like an 18-year old woman in her late 20s and went there like you know…to partay

*stuk..stak…stuk…stak…teeteetiwtiw…teeteetiwtiw…*

But because I had to attend some private affair.

And I wasn’t even properly dressed…in true Embassy fashion–

‘Yun tipong ‘pag nakita mo, mapapa-blurt out ka ng, “Hey, where’s the partay, bitch???”

And recently, in true jolog fashion, my everyday friends and I went to Cuisine not because we had the money to spare but because Chie had GCs. O ha, san ka pa???

And I didn’t feel like dressing up.

Daming bagets, syets.

Aside from taut skin, they exude this certain aura from which you know they belong to an entirely later generation.

‘Yung tipong isang dekada ang age gap nyo. Ganon.

And oh boy, they do dress up.

As in makikita mo ang effort.

And there were these two guys standing on the elevated platform, their beers perfectly positioned between their hands, like how models would do it in an ad, surveying the girls sitting on the lower floor.

I was thinking if the interior designers of Cuisine intentionally did the high-low platform so boys could literally look down and choose the girls they wanna hook up with.

Take note: Girls, not women.

(Boys and Men don’t really have that much difference.)

When we got out of Cuisine, there were lots of kids lined up at the entrance of the Embassy.

And they literally looked like they were going to party.

As in major effort.

(I have thing against obvious effort when dressing up, sorry. Dressing up should take effort but it should look effortless.)

And one other obvious thing I’ve noticed was the absence of the sosyal people I used to see hangin’ around Emba.

In their place were, what looked like a bunch of middle class kids, who looked like they raided Mom’s closet.

And who probably didn’t eat for a week so they could have moolah pang-Emba.

I’m not being matapobre as I’m also a proud member of the C social class.

My point is, I don’t like going to Embassy or any other place that AB people frequent (or used to frequent) because I feel like such a POSER.

Not to mention that I’m supposed to be on my post-Embassy phase.

Scrap that.

I didn’t even go through an Embassy phase.

And that’s what those kids looked like to me: POSERS.

And they weren’t even good at it.

If there were fashion police around, these kids would’ve gotten a life sentence (kasi walang death penalty).

Anyway, we were supposed to watch the launch of Taken by Car’s album at Mag:net. But they weren’t playing ’til 12mn.

Umalma ang pinaka-matanda sa grupo (guess who).

So we ended up in RJ’s home (why Filipino kids call house a ‘crib’ escapes me). And I instantly felt at home. Ultimate gimmick ng mga nagkaka-edad!

We watched Bubble Gang and Russel Peters. O di ba, we’re so flexible.

But not before lining up at Krsipy Kreme to get a free doughnut and pa-simpleng walk out the door.

How jolog is that.

*Why Chie doesn’t wanna say ‘jologs’ escapes me as well. When she has to refer to it, she spells it out: J.O.L.O.G.S. Like that. Why can’t she say my name?

I’ve thought about parting with him.
But not until next year…
When I’m ready.
But he beat me into it.
Last night, he just disappeared from my life.
Not even a ring or a text.
I had to cut short the only communication channel we had
To avoid further damage on my part.
Surprisingly, I am not even heartbroken.
“Sayang”, yes (insert “Nanghihinayaaang” track here)
Devastated, no.
To be honest, I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities with the “other one”.
Next year, he will be mine.
i
will make sure of it.
For now, I have to make do with my mean-time boy:
Hello Moto!
But I’m still coping with Ericsson’s loss.
I need to rebuild my life.
And my phonebook.
And I need your help.
So please,
Send my your mobile numbers.
Thank you.

Two very intelligent sides of the same coin from two very intelligent friends of mine:

Rey’s and Raz’s

but I have to agree with Rey…

tabi-tabi po…trabaho lang, walang personalan…tawa na lang tayo.

ON EDUCATION

“Do not memorize! Analyze!”
– Doc Nic advising her students never to memorize reaction mechanisms

PROF: O, meron na bang nakapunta sa inyong XXX
CLASS: (tahimik)
PROF: (medyo na-disappoint) Ano?! Puro na lang ba kayo aral? Aral na lang kayo ng aral, ha? Wala na kayong napupuntahan kakaaral niyo!

“IE? Di naman engineering yun e.”
– Thesis adviser

“Running for summa ka? Mapapagod ka lang.”

“Class, gusto ko kayong i-train na mag-English, so when you’re here in class, magsalita kayo ng English! Ako lang ang exempted dahil matanda na ako at ako ang teacher!”

“Okay class, next week, we start the lecture proper.”
– Ma’am Vitriolo (2nd to the last meeting)

Sabi ng Prof sa kaklaseng recite ng recite w/o raising her hand,
“I think this is the first time i have a student w/ tourette in my class…”
Recite pa rin ng recite yung student,
“Wow the ejaculatory comments just don’t stop!”

“Be ready with your speech because I am going to lambaste you!”
– Sir Navera, Spcm 1 to a freshman

“Bakit parang napakaligaya ng klase niyo? Maging sad naman kayo, 5 mins.”
– Math 100 Prof.

“Ano bang natapos mo? Italian 8?”
“Punyetissima!
– Sir Tiamson, Italian 11

“When you graduate, then you begin to live.”
– Dr. Carmen Jimenez, Psych 118

“Oh, this is good. It’s poetic because it’s perfectly stupid.”
– Ricardo de Ungria on a student’s work

ON EXAMS

“Class, next week na lang ung result sa exam nyo. I am having a hard time checking it. I will seek first the divine guidance on what to do about it. Class dont worry about your grade. Let me worry about it.”
– Sir De Jesus, Envi Sci 1

“I don’t give surprise long exams. All exams are announced. Halimbawa: Class, mag-eexam tayo, NGAYON NA!”
– Ma’am Chei

“Try to die! Try to die!”
– Sir Billones to a student palpitating while taking the exam. He claims that after the incident, refreshed na lagi yung estudyante.

“Kahit magpakamatay ka pa di mo masasagot yang problem set na yan dahil pang-157 (Phy Chem II) yan!”

“Ok class…See you next sem!”
– Terror Prof after an exam (last day na din ng class…)

“Mamatay na mangopya…”

“Ang hindi maka-100, bobo!”

PROF: Did I remind the class last meeting that we’re going to have an exam today?
CLASS: (dead air)
PROF: Ok, it seems I forgot to remind the class that we’re going to have an exam today.
I’m giving you five minutes then to buy a bluebook. We’re going to have an exam
today.

ON BAR EXAMS

“Don’t take the BAR and yourselves too seriously. Baka mabalitaan nalang namin na nag-o-oral summation kayo sa Luneta. O lumulutang-lutang sa Pasig River. Enjoy yourselves, relax, and read at least 15 hours a day. Nakakabobo ang sobrang tulog. Mag-relax ka habang nagbabasa. Magrelax habang nagmi-memorize. ”

“Pag nananaba ka sa oras ng exams, ibig sabihin di ka papasa.”

“Oh the BAR isn’t scary. It’s terrifying. It might even kill you.”

“Wow. Rape-able.”

“Stand up Miss ___ so that I might see the contours of your body.”

“Mga engineers? Nako. Bihira pumapasa sa BAR.”

“UP ka nag-undergrad? Bright ka ba?”

“Sa mga taga-UP lang ako bilib eh. Pagpasok nila sa lawschool, hindi sila disoriented. Bilib ako sa study habits na meron yang mga batang yan. Some of them look like they eat kamote thrice a day, pero ang utak, di ututin!”

ON GRADES

“Oo, nagpapaulan ako ng UNO… baket? Aanhin ko ba nun? Di naman ako yayaman dun.”
– Sir Atoy Navarro, History I

“Last sem was the first time that I gave a grade of 5, and it felt good!!!”
– Prof Goldie, Comm II, circa 1998, first day of class

PROF: (kinuha ang box ng colored chalks) Ano ba naman ito… (tapos iniitsa sa lamesa yung mga dark colored chalks)
CLASS: (tahimik na nagmamasid)
PROF: Class, sulatan niyo ang manufacturer ng chalk na ito, at sabihing tanggalin na ang mga walang kwentang kulay na ito… brown, green, violet. Hindi makikita ito sa board. Convince them.
CLASS: (tahimik at gulat)
PROF: And .25 incentive sa final grade niyo!

One day pumasok ng room, galit na galit. hinagis ang bag sa table, nagwawala sa harap ng room dahil hindi daw nasagot ng previous class niya ang question niya. Kaya dapat daw masagot namin. Ang makasagot may plus points. Kapag walang makasagot, lagot kami.
Ang tanong: “Class, sinong lalaking artista dun sa TV show na Wonder Years?”
– Sir U. Eliserio, Creative Writing

“Hindi mahirap makakuha ng UNO sa class ko. Yung gumraduate last year na Magna Cum Laude ng Biochem, uno siya sakin sa Chem 18.”
– Ma’am Ilao

CLASS: Sir, sa exams po ba nagbibigay kayo ng partial points?
PROF: Hmm, if I see partial wisdom.

ON THESIS

“Yang thesis mo? Mamamatay ka!!! Mamamatay ka!!!”
– Dr. Llanes, UPM, commenting on a thesis of a senior student

ON LOVE LIFE

“The aim of policy making is to invoke action! Because action speaks louder than words! You do not just say I love you. You say: If you love me, enter me! ”
– Dr. Alfonso Pacquing

“Ano ba yan? Students ba kayo ng UP? Bakit ang bababa ng scores niyo? Siguro wala kayong date ngayong Valentine’s kaya ganito kayo. Losers!!! When I was your age I had a date. Hindi ba naapektuhan ng UP FAIR euphoria ng grades niyo? Parang di kayo masaya…(sabay matching tapon ng quizzes sa sahig). I won’t record this. Go find a date.” (sabay walk out.)
– Sir Doliente, BA on Valentine’s Day

“You do not fall in love; you rise in love. That’s how you love rationally.”
– Dr. FG David

ON LIFE

“Kaya nga ideal eh, hindi siya nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Pero an approximation is good enough”
– Sir Engle on ideal and real systems

“Class your laughing now, but i will predecease you all.”
– a Dean who’s 80 yrs. old

“The more wisdom you obtain, the more you shut your mouth. This is because the more that you learn, the more you realize that there are even more things that you do not know. The true mark of an idiot is a loudmouth, the true mark of a wise man is humility.”
– PI 100 Prof.

“Meanings we find are the meanings we make.”
“The measure of a man is how many doors he has opened to other people, especially to those he doesn’t know.”
“To be born is to die. In between, they grow and multiply like flies. 6.2 billion people in the world. Kadiri, ano?”
“Do not live long enough to be worthless.”
“Domestication of the human male is one of the greatest achievement of the human race.”
“I do not know many. I only know enough to teach my classes.”
– Dr. David

“Well of course when you sell your soul you have to make an elaborate justification to make yourself feel good.”
– Sir Walden Bello, Socio 127

“Look at me I’m 433 years old pero ang lakas-lakas ko pa. Eh kung walang gulay eh di kakain na lang ako ng damo. Kung wala eh di tubig, Kung wala mag-ipon na lang ako ng laway.”
– Sir Tiamson, Italian 11

“Try everything once except incest.”
– Sir U. Eliserio, Creative Writing

ON RELIGION

“Atheist ako, pero pag nasa bahay, nagro-rosary kami ng Nanay ko, eh kung magalit sa kin yun.”
–Socio 11 Prof.

“Marx is more Christian than Christ and Christ is more Marxist than Marx.”
– Sir Lanuza

CLASSMATE: Ma’am, pwede po bang next week na kami mag report?
MA’AM: Alam mo, God is good. And I am God. So yes, pwede next week.

“Why not life? Why call it soul? Call a spade a spade.”
“Earth is the only heaven we can know.”
“Religion is a successful economic institution.”
– Dr. David

ON HOMOSEXUALITY

“I’m gay. So gay I could show you my penis because it is but an accessory to my body.”
– Jean Navera, Spcm1

“We do not accept anyone here in class except for those who are members of a certain minority group. For example, gays are part of a minority group, bakla ka ba? If you admit to this class that you are gay, then I’ll admit you.”
– Prof “Hail to the Chair” to a guy student na nagpre-prerog

ON POLITICS

“Kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw. Ergo, GMA’s marriage to Mike Arroyo is null and void ab initio.”
– Consti Law class

“Bilib ka kay Alan Peter Cayetano? E ambaba ng grades n’un e!”

“Si Miriam, crush ko ‘yun dati. Muntikan na maging kami, kaso nasiraan ng ulo. Kaya ‘yun, iba ang asawa ko.”

ON THE HUMAN BODY

MA’AM: Many people believe that we, psychology graduates can read minds…
(Silence)
Actually, we can.
CLASS: Weh.. Sample…
MA’AM: Right now, you think that I’m bluffing.
– Ma’am Chei Billedo, Psych

“The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala kayong kasaysayan lahat. Pag may kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG KA LANG!!!
– Dr. Recio

“Nasa bandang gilid ang fallopian tube. Kaya kung gusto niyong magka-anak ng asawa niyo, dapat nakatagilid kayo habang gumagawa.”
– Ma’am Meggie, Zoo 10

Anong molars? You don’t say molars because it is an adjective! Do you say beautifuls?”
– Ma’am Ilao to a student who said “n molars”

“I’ll strangle you, strangle you really hard, smack right in your jugular (pause ng mga 5 seconds), you do know where your jugular is?”

PROF: Mr. Gatbunton, why are you late?!
STUDENT: Sorry Mam, galing pa ako Las Pinas.
PROF: Ladies, don’t marry somebody from Las Pinas because they have bamboo organs!!!
– Prof. Soresca, Spanish 1

“Wag na mahiya, you have nothing to lose but your face…”
– Ma’am Cathy, Geol11, to a student who didn’t want to recite

“Ayan, di ka makasagot. Yung bakal sa ngipin mo naapektuhan na yung pagsasalita mo.”
– Sir Tiamson, Span 11

“It’s okay to smoke inside my class. As long as you don’t breathe it out.”
– Dr. Obsioma, Biodiversity

ON NATURE

“Birds of the same feather FLOCK together…don’ t forget the L.”
— Soc. Sci. Prof.

“Ang lakas ng ulan, ayos yan at least hindi halata pag umiiyak…”
– Sir Agapito habang 2nd exam at malakas ang ulan

ON THE WORLD

“There are only two countries who still use Fahrenheit…the United States of America and Liberia…a pathetic country in Africa”
– Sir Argete

PROF: Nakita niyo na ba ang Hoover dam?
CLASS: (tahimik uli)
PROF: Hehehehe, ang yabang ko talaga!

ON ATENEO

“Ateneo is not a university, it’s a diploma mill. Bakit ba nakangiti pa mga estudyante dyan kapag lalabas sila ng gate nila, hindi ba nila nalalaman ang nami-miss nila sa edukasyon?”

“Class, Chinatown is not in China. And Ateneo de Manila University is not…a university.”

“What you learn in UP is to go on and never give up. That if there be one person left standing, let it be me. Let Ateneo fall first before UP…”
– Dr. David

“Ateneo? How could you love someone from the Ateneo?”
– a Prof. to a student who had a boyfriend from Ateneo

ON OTHER SCHOOLS

STUDENT: Sir, pwede po magpa-sit in yung friends ko?
PROF: From what school are they?
STUDENT: St. Scho po.
PROF: Go ahead. So they’ll realize what they’re missing. St. Scho, St. Scho…
eskwelahan na ba yun sa inyo?!

FIRST DAY OF CLASSES: “Kung may boyfriend o girlfriend kayo na hindi taga-UP, hiwalayan niyo na agad. Walang pupuntahan yan. Hindi kayo magkaka-intindihan. Tapos yung mga anak niyo, magiging bobo. Gusto niyo ba yun?”

“Class, kaya mahal ang bayad sa mga professors sa ibang school kasi ang bobobo ng mga estudyante dun. Dyuskoh, I used to teach there… at lumuluha talaga ako ng dugo bago maintindihan ng mga students yung sinasabi ko. Ang mahal nga ng bayad, magkakasakit ka naman sa panga kakaulit ng lessons! Wag na lang! Dito na ko sa UP, at least nagkakaintindihan tayo. Diba?”

ON U.P.’s INTELLECTUAL ELITISM

“I think therefore I am from UP!”
– Philo Prof.

“Hoy girls, wag kayong kukuha ng boyfriend dito sa UP. Pare-parehas tayong mahirap dito. Kumuha kayo ng mayaman. 80% of the child’s intelligence comes from the Mother naman eh. Kayo guys, wag kayo kukuha ng bobong babae. Kahit matalino kayo, magiging bobo anak niyo.”