Um! Pak! Tok! Tugush! Ka-blog!

tabi-tabi po…trabaho lang, walang personalan…tawa na lang tayo.

ON EDUCATION

“Do not memorize! Analyze!”
– Doc Nic advising her students never to memorize reaction mechanisms

PROF: O, meron na bang nakapunta sa inyong XXX
CLASS: (tahimik)
PROF: (medyo na-disappoint) Ano?! Puro na lang ba kayo aral? Aral na lang kayo ng aral, ha? Wala na kayong napupuntahan kakaaral niyo!

“IE? Di naman engineering yun e.”
– Thesis adviser

“Running for summa ka? Mapapagod ka lang.”

“Class, gusto ko kayong i-train na mag-English, so when you’re here in class, magsalita kayo ng English! Ako lang ang exempted dahil matanda na ako at ako ang teacher!”

“Okay class, next week, we start the lecture proper.”
– Ma’am Vitriolo (2nd to the last meeting)

Sabi ng Prof sa kaklaseng recite ng recite w/o raising her hand,
“I think this is the first time i have a student w/ tourette in my class…”
Recite pa rin ng recite yung student,
“Wow the ejaculatory comments just don’t stop!”

“Be ready with your speech because I am going to lambaste you!”
– Sir Navera, Spcm 1 to a freshman

“Bakit parang napakaligaya ng klase niyo? Maging sad naman kayo, 5 mins.”
– Math 100 Prof.

“Ano bang natapos mo? Italian 8?”
“Punyetissima!
– Sir Tiamson, Italian 11

“When you graduate, then you begin to live.”
– Dr. Carmen Jimenez, Psych 118

“Oh, this is good. It’s poetic because it’s perfectly stupid.”
– Ricardo de Ungria on a student’s work

ON EXAMS

“Class, next week na lang ung result sa exam nyo. I am having a hard time checking it. I will seek first the divine guidance on what to do about it. Class dont worry about your grade. Let me worry about it.”
– Sir De Jesus, Envi Sci 1

“I don’t give surprise long exams. All exams are announced. Halimbawa: Class, mag-eexam tayo, NGAYON NA!”
– Ma’am Chei

“Try to die! Try to die!”
– Sir Billones to a student palpitating while taking the exam. He claims that after the incident, refreshed na lagi yung estudyante.

“Kahit magpakamatay ka pa di mo masasagot yang problem set na yan dahil pang-157 (Phy Chem II) yan!”

“Ok class…See you next sem!”
– Terror Prof after an exam (last day na din ng class…)

“Mamatay na mangopya…”

“Ang hindi maka-100, bobo!”

PROF: Did I remind the class last meeting that we’re going to have an exam today?
CLASS: (dead air)
PROF: Ok, it seems I forgot to remind the class that we’re going to have an exam today.
I’m giving you five minutes then to buy a bluebook. We’re going to have an exam
today.

ON BAR EXAMS

“Don’t take the BAR and yourselves too seriously. Baka mabalitaan nalang namin na nag-o-oral summation kayo sa Luneta. O lumulutang-lutang sa Pasig River. Enjoy yourselves, relax, and read at least 15 hours a day. Nakakabobo ang sobrang tulog. Mag-relax ka habang nagbabasa. Magrelax habang nagmi-memorize. ”

“Pag nananaba ka sa oras ng exams, ibig sabihin di ka papasa.”

“Oh the BAR isn’t scary. It’s terrifying. It might even kill you.”

“Wow. Rape-able.”

“Stand up Miss ___ so that I might see the contours of your body.”

“Mga engineers? Nako. Bihira pumapasa sa BAR.”

“UP ka nag-undergrad? Bright ka ba?”

“Sa mga taga-UP lang ako bilib eh. Pagpasok nila sa lawschool, hindi sila disoriented. Bilib ako sa study habits na meron yang mga batang yan. Some of them look like they eat kamote thrice a day, pero ang utak, di ututin!”

ON GRADES

“Oo, nagpapaulan ako ng UNO… baket? Aanhin ko ba nun? Di naman ako yayaman dun.”
– Sir Atoy Navarro, History I

“Last sem was the first time that I gave a grade of 5, and it felt good!!!”
– Prof Goldie, Comm II, circa 1998, first day of class

PROF: (kinuha ang box ng colored chalks) Ano ba naman ito… (tapos iniitsa sa lamesa yung mga dark colored chalks)
CLASS: (tahimik na nagmamasid)
PROF: Class, sulatan niyo ang manufacturer ng chalk na ito, at sabihing tanggalin na ang mga walang kwentang kulay na ito… brown, green, violet. Hindi makikita ito sa board. Convince them.
CLASS: (tahimik at gulat)
PROF: And .25 incentive sa final grade niyo!

One day pumasok ng room, galit na galit. hinagis ang bag sa table, nagwawala sa harap ng room dahil hindi daw nasagot ng previous class niya ang question niya. Kaya dapat daw masagot namin. Ang makasagot may plus points. Kapag walang makasagot, lagot kami.
Ang tanong: “Class, sinong lalaking artista dun sa TV show na Wonder Years?”
– Sir U. Eliserio, Creative Writing

“Hindi mahirap makakuha ng UNO sa class ko. Yung gumraduate last year na Magna Cum Laude ng Biochem, uno siya sakin sa Chem 18.”
– Ma’am Ilao

CLASS: Sir, sa exams po ba nagbibigay kayo ng partial points?
PROF: Hmm, if I see partial wisdom.

ON THESIS

“Yang thesis mo? Mamamatay ka!!! Mamamatay ka!!!”
– Dr. Llanes, UPM, commenting on a thesis of a senior student

ON LOVE LIFE

“The aim of policy making is to invoke action! Because action speaks louder than words! You do not just say I love you. You say: If you love me, enter me! ”
– Dr. Alfonso Pacquing

“Ano ba yan? Students ba kayo ng UP? Bakit ang bababa ng scores niyo? Siguro wala kayong date ngayong Valentine’s kaya ganito kayo. Losers!!! When I was your age I had a date. Hindi ba naapektuhan ng UP FAIR euphoria ng grades niyo? Parang di kayo masaya…(sabay matching tapon ng quizzes sa sahig). I won’t record this. Go find a date.” (sabay walk out.)
– Sir Doliente, BA on Valentine’s Day

“You do not fall in love; you rise in love. That’s how you love rationally.”
– Dr. FG David

ON LIFE

“Kaya nga ideal eh, hindi siya nangyayari sa totoong buhay. Pero an approximation is good enough”
– Sir Engle on ideal and real systems

“Class your laughing now, but i will predecease you all.”
– a Dean who’s 80 yrs. old

“The more wisdom you obtain, the more you shut your mouth. This is because the more that you learn, the more you realize that there are even more things that you do not know. The true mark of an idiot is a loudmouth, the true mark of a wise man is humility.”
– PI 100 Prof.

“Meanings we find are the meanings we make.”
“The measure of a man is how many doors he has opened to other people, especially to those he doesn’t know.”
“To be born is to die. In between, they grow and multiply like flies. 6.2 billion people in the world. Kadiri, ano?”
“Do not live long enough to be worthless.”
“Domestication of the human male is one of the greatest achievement of the human race.”
“I do not know many. I only know enough to teach my classes.”
– Dr. David

“Well of course when you sell your soul you have to make an elaborate justification to make yourself feel good.”
– Sir Walden Bello, Socio 127

“Look at me I’m 433 years old pero ang lakas-lakas ko pa. Eh kung walang gulay eh di kakain na lang ako ng damo. Kung wala eh di tubig, Kung wala mag-ipon na lang ako ng laway.”
– Sir Tiamson, Italian 11

“Try everything once except incest.”
– Sir U. Eliserio, Creative Writing

ON RELIGION

“Atheist ako, pero pag nasa bahay, nagro-rosary kami ng Nanay ko, eh kung magalit sa kin yun.”
–Socio 11 Prof.

“Marx is more Christian than Christ and Christ is more Marxist than Marx.”
– Sir Lanuza

CLASSMATE: Ma’am, pwede po bang next week na kami mag report?
MA’AM: Alam mo, God is good. And I am God. So yes, pwede next week.

“Why not life? Why call it soul? Call a spade a spade.”
“Earth is the only heaven we can know.”
“Religion is a successful economic institution.”
– Dr. David

ON HOMOSEXUALITY

“I’m gay. So gay I could show you my penis because it is but an accessory to my body.”
– Jean Navera, Spcm1

“We do not accept anyone here in class except for those who are members of a certain minority group. For example, gays are part of a minority group, bakla ka ba? If you admit to this class that you are gay, then I’ll admit you.”
– Prof “Hail to the Chair” to a guy student na nagpre-prerog

ON POLITICS

“Kapatid ng sinungaling ang magnanakaw. Ergo, GMA’s marriage to Mike Arroyo is null and void ab initio.”
– Consti Law class

“Bilib ka kay Alan Peter Cayetano? E ambaba ng grades n’un e!”

“Si Miriam, crush ko ‘yun dati. Muntikan na maging kami, kaso nasiraan ng ulo. Kaya ‘yun, iba ang asawa ko.”

ON THE HUMAN BODY

MA’AM: Many people believe that we, psychology graduates can read minds…
(Silence)
Actually, we can.
CLASS: Weh.. Sample…
MA’AM: Right now, you think that I’m bluffing.
– Ma’am Chei Billedo, Psych

“The human body is 70% water. Kaya wala kayong kasaysayan lahat. Pag may kaaway ka, sabihin mo sa kanya, TUBIG KA LANG!!!
– Dr. Recio

“Nasa bandang gilid ang fallopian tube. Kaya kung gusto niyong magka-anak ng asawa niyo, dapat nakatagilid kayo habang gumagawa.”
– Ma’am Meggie, Zoo 10

Anong molars? You don’t say molars because it is an adjective! Do you say beautifuls?”
– Ma’am Ilao to a student who said “n molars”

“I’ll strangle you, strangle you really hard, smack right in your jugular (pause ng mga 5 seconds), you do know where your jugular is?”

PROF: Mr. Gatbunton, why are you late?!
STUDENT: Sorry Mam, galing pa ako Las Pinas.
PROF: Ladies, don’t marry somebody from Las Pinas because they have bamboo organs!!!
– Prof. Soresca, Spanish 1

“Wag na mahiya, you have nothing to lose but your face…”
– Ma’am Cathy, Geol11, to a student who didn’t want to recite

“Ayan, di ka makasagot. Yung bakal sa ngipin mo naapektuhan na yung pagsasalita mo.”
– Sir Tiamson, Span 11

“It’s okay to smoke inside my class. As long as you don’t breathe it out.”
– Dr. Obsioma, Biodiversity

ON NATURE

“Birds of the same feather FLOCK together…don’ t forget the L.”
— Soc. Sci. Prof.

“Ang lakas ng ulan, ayos yan at least hindi halata pag umiiyak…”
– Sir Agapito habang 2nd exam at malakas ang ulan

ON THE WORLD

“There are only two countries who still use Fahrenheit…the United States of America and Liberia…a pathetic country in Africa”
– Sir Argete

PROF: Nakita niyo na ba ang Hoover dam?
CLASS: (tahimik uli)
PROF: Hehehehe, ang yabang ko talaga!

ON ATENEO

“Ateneo is not a university, it’s a diploma mill. Bakit ba nakangiti pa mga estudyante dyan kapag lalabas sila ng gate nila, hindi ba nila nalalaman ang nami-miss nila sa edukasyon?”

“Class, Chinatown is not in China. And Ateneo de Manila University is not…a university.”

“What you learn in UP is to go on and never give up. That if there be one person left standing, let it be me. Let Ateneo fall first before UP…”
– Dr. David

“Ateneo? How could you love someone from the Ateneo?”
– a Prof. to a student who had a boyfriend from Ateneo

ON OTHER SCHOOLS

STUDENT: Sir, pwede po magpa-sit in yung friends ko?
PROF: From what school are they?
STUDENT: St. Scho po.
PROF: Go ahead. So they’ll realize what they’re missing. St. Scho, St. Scho…
eskwelahan na ba yun sa inyo?!

FIRST DAY OF CLASSES: “Kung may boyfriend o girlfriend kayo na hindi taga-UP, hiwalayan niyo na agad. Walang pupuntahan yan. Hindi kayo magkaka-intindihan. Tapos yung mga anak niyo, magiging bobo. Gusto niyo ba yun?”

“Class, kaya mahal ang bayad sa mga professors sa ibang school kasi ang bobobo ng mga estudyante dun. Dyuskoh, I used to teach there… at lumuluha talaga ako ng dugo bago maintindihan ng mga students yung sinasabi ko. Ang mahal nga ng bayad, magkakasakit ka naman sa panga kakaulit ng lessons! Wag na lang! Dito na ko sa UP, at least nagkakaintindihan tayo. Diba?”

ON U.P.’s INTELLECTUAL ELITISM

“I think therefore I am from UP!”
– Philo Prof.

“Hoy girls, wag kayong kukuha ng boyfriend dito sa UP. Pare-parehas tayong mahirap dito. Kumuha kayo ng mayaman. 80% of the child’s intelligence comes from the Mother naman eh. Kayo guys, wag kayo kukuha ng bobong babae. Kahit matalino kayo, magiging bobo anak niyo.”