Um! Pak! Tok! Tugush! Ka-blog!

WARNING: Not for the consumption of hardcore Twilight fans. Baka masipsip nyo ang dugo ko. I just have this (bad) habit of picking on something that’s immensely popular.

…greatly from my expectations, at least.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it didn’t peddle itself as “the hottest books since Harry Potter”.

For a novel to even remotely associate itself with “Harry Potter”, it has to be something great.

I wouldn’t have a problem if it marketed itself as the “hottest teen romance novel series since Sweet Dreams”.

Or even “the hottest chic lit since Gossip Girl” (or Meg Cabot). Now that’s more like it.

I wouldn’t have a problem if it weren’t sold in some slick, beautifully-art directed hardbound cover that must house something worthy inside.

(Sabi na ngang don’t judge a book by its cover eh.)

But it was and it did. And that’s where my problem with it started.

When I was still in highschool and at the height of my Sweet Valley addiction, I actually wrote a full-length novel tackling the same teenybopper storylines (entitled “Too Many Walls” haha).

‘Di ako nagyayabang pero alisin ang wrong grammar at dagdagan ng vampire twist, ‘di siya nalalayo sa Twilight. Both are juvenile and shallow.

I don’t have a problem with linear stories but I have problem with linear and boring storylines.

For me, a novel should be compelling, it should have a certain degree of intricacy or depth, even if it’s talking about something superficial; because reading books, unlike watching a movie, gives the readers all the time to absorb, swallow and rethink every line, every chapter. That’s what made “Da Vinci Code” a good read but a bad movie. The complexities and details of the book just didn’t translate well onscreen.

In the case of Twilight, the simplistic storyline was more apt for a screenplay. But that movie is another story.

Sure, the book had its moments. There were parts when I actually smiled and felt “kilig”. But they’re just that, moments. Not enough to salvage the story.

Like in advertising, the idea—about a highschool girl falling in love with a vampire—is great. The vampire story is such a rich territory, full of possibilities. But the execution just fell flat on its handsome, espasol face.

You give your plot a vampire twist, it should have at least a “rockstar” edge to it, you know. Something gritty and dark, something to blunt the romantic angle. But it did not. The vampire angle merely became a backdrop, an obligatory mention, to a sappy Sweet Dreams plot.

Or maybe Meyer did try to make it that way but the uninspired writing didn’t get it across.

I love reading, and whenever I stumble into nicely written books, both deep and the not-so-deep, my thought balloon would always be “I wish I could write like this.”

Reading Twilight, all I could think of was, “Jeez, I could write this shit.”

Sweet Dreams meets Anne Rice? Come on. It didn’t even meet halfway with Ms. Rice.

The Jane Austen of this decade? Punyeta naman. That would make Ms. Austen turn in her grave. Now that’s scary.

And then there’s the movie…

Edward defenders always defend with the words, “you shouldn’t expect too much from it because it’s just a love story after all.”

Since when did “just a love story” become an excuse for making a bad movie? When?

“Moulin Rouge” was just a love story, but it was wonderfully, vividly spectacular.

“When Harry Met Sally” was just a romantic comedy, but it had become a classic not only in that genre but also in the film industry as a whole.

“One More Chance” looked like just another baduy Tagalog romance but it was funny and witty and engaging.

Now, why wouldn’t I expect much from a love story that has the words “phenomenal” and “No. 1” attached to its name?

Dahil sa lagi akong huli sa balita, by the time I’ve heard of Twilight, the movie version was coming out already. So I did that first.

To say that I was bored to tears is a complete understatement.

The tweeners gushing and sighing all around me whenever a visual of Edward’s espasol face appears onscreen provided more entertainment than Edward himself.

Reading the book (or rather, the pdf file), I found out that the Cullens were supposed to be “moviestar beautiful” but in the movie, they weren’t. Pretty yes, but not vampirely-gorgeous (except for the Carlisle and James characters whom I’m pretty sure were casted because of their resemblance to Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt respectively).

This is the second time Robert Pattinson disappointed me. Cedric Diggory was supposed to be this handsome, popular Quidditch captain in HP. Patty isn’t bad looking, but he isn’t the heartthrob I’ve imagined. The guy playing Viktor Krum was cuter.

And Edward is supposed to be irresistibly gorgeous, and well, Patty isn’t.

And the espasol make-up didn’t help either. Hello, I could do that! Give me lots of flour and cheap red lipstick.  Flour Power na itu!

They’re making a vampire movie for goodness sake; they should’ve at least looked at “Interview with the Vampire” for reference. Now, there’s a great vampire make-up. The kid in “The Grudge” was better made up.

And they’re supposed to be graceful and lithe creatures right? So why the hell does Edward climb a tree like that in the movie? I would’ve imagined a movement as slinky and slick as a leopard’s or cheetah’s, but not a monkey. Now, that scene was funny.

Let’s not even get to the special effects.

And me saying that it’s a crappy movie isn’t even relative to how it was translated from the book. Even if there were no book to base it from, it’s still crappy. Crappity-crap-crap!

Also, I have a little confession to make, I’m not even halfway through the book. So why am I writing this “fury-filled” review? It might seem unfair.

I tried reading it, God knows I did! But then, it came to a point that I was merely scanning the paragraphs and not actually reading. And I told myself, that’s it pansit! My opinion won’t probably change even if get the nerve to finish the book.

‘Di na talaga kinaya ng reading powers ko. Not that it’s a challenge to read (like LOTR, Lolita or The Unbearable Lightness of Being). In fact it’s such an easy read, it’s became uninteresting, to me at least. And I don’t even have Attention-Deficit Disorder.

Good thing I read a pdf file only, I would’ve wasted a great deal of money. If there’s one thing that it is—it’s over-f****n-hyped. That’s it pansit.