Um! Pak! Tok! Tugush! Ka-blog!

Published in the Philippine Daily Inquirer
Monday, September 8, 2008

To start with, I wasn’t even aware that there was a University of the Philippines. Seriously. Blame it on my promdi Catholic existence. Or my ignorance. Or both.

Having studied in a super strict, ultra conservative Catholic school somewhere in the province of Sta. Rosa, Laguna (back then, Sta. Rosa still didn’t have the “cool” rep it has now)–where impressions made by brassieres under one’s plain white shirt were pointed out by nuns in hushed tones; where gossip about classmates smoking cigs off campus was considered scandalous; and where the Eraserheads’ uncensored version of Pare Ko was banned from being played–I was pretty much shielded from the sins of the real world.

Palma Hall w/ my highschool barkada

I remember a school field trip to UP to watch a play called The Green Bird. From its title alone, one can surmise that this play had sexual content. Being the repressed Catholic students that we were, we giggled and gasped at every allusion to sex and the sex organs.

I remember seeing scruffy-looking students sprawled across the floors of Palma Hall smoking and/or making-out like there’s no tomorrow. It was a scary sight for a 13-year old Catholic schoolgirl. Instantly, I formed a firm resolve not to study in that school.

But 2 years later, I found myself applying for the UPCAT, still ignorant of the fact that I was trying to get in one of the most–if not the most prestigious university in the country. I was just going with the flow because a third our senior class applied.

There were other schools—mostly computer institutions–that peddled themselves to us. Being the promdi that I was, I told my mother, “Ma, dun na lang ako sa *toot-toot* mag-aaral para malapit lang,” to which my mother irritatingly replied, “Eh di ‘wag ka na lang mag-aral.” Okay fine.

Despite my Mathematical Deficiency, I had the audacity to write Computer Engineering and Computer Science on my applications. At that time, Fine Arts was deemed to have no financial future and PT and IT were the “it” courses. Come August of 1995, I trooped to UPLB with my parents and a backpack full of Magnolia Chocolaits. One for each hour of the exam. I never finished a drink.

I breezed thru the English and Reading Comprehension parts. As expected, I had a “wild” time guessing during the Math portion. After the test, I didn’t think about it much.

When I came home one afternoon in March in 1996, my mother came out rushing with tears in her eyes and waving an open envelope, “Anak, sorry binuksan ko na kasi na-excite ako e. Pumasa ka!” And then she hugged me. Okay. So I passed the UPCAT. Big deal. As expected, I didn’t get in either of my chosen quota courses, so I had to pick non-quota, i.e. easier, courses. I wrote down Journalism as my first choice and Landscape Architecture as my second. Come enrolment, I dragged my very willing mom to accompany me. And then I noticed, I was the only one with a parent…And to my horror, I also noticed that I was listed under the Tourism block…WTF. How did that happen?

Tourism? What would I do in Tourism? I wasn’t only Mathematically challenged but very vertically challenged as well. In a blind moment of panic and desperation, I rushed to CASAA to find a payphone and called another university where I passed with Computer Science as my course. Sorry, enrolment closed.

And so, as if it was the worst decision on the planet, I grudgingly enrolled at the UP Asian Institute of Tourism. Come Freshmen Orientation, I dragged my very willing mom to accompany me. And then I noticed, I was the only one with a parent…

Finally, the “gravity” of my passing the UPCAT–of getting into UP Diliman–dawned on me: out of the entire population who took the exam, I was part of the 10% who passed. It was a very proud, palakpak-tenga, buhat-bangko moment. I would never forget the sheer euphoria of realizing that I was an “Iskolar ng Bayan”. I strongly felt the words written on the Cali Shandy card that came with the Freshmen Orientation kit (which I still keep to this day):

What if I stayed scared and ignorant and didn’t apply for the UPCAT? What if I went to that computer school one jeepney ride-away from our house? What if that other university’s enrolment wasn’t closed?

Palma Hall w/ my AIT blockmates

I wouldn’t have met my block mates, one of the best-looking blocks in 1996 I must say. I wouldn’t have met friends who convinced me to shift to Broadcast Communications where there’s no College Algebra (which I would have to take again had I continued in AIT), and where despite a glaring quatro in Math 11, I was able to graduate cum laude. What if I pursued Computer Science in the other university? *shudder* What if someone didn’t mix up the course codes of Journalism and Tourism?

@ DZUP w/ the Shiftees Block

My beloved BC 130 groupmates w/ Ma’am David

I don’t even want to think about it. My four years in UP were the most enlightening, liberating, craziest years of my life. I could write and speak my mind freely without worrying about censorship. I could sing Pare Ko with unabridged profanities. I could wear the shortest pair of shorts to school whenever I wanted (but I didn’t). And most of all, I have acquired a much-needed level of “sophistication”.

They say that the happiest years of a person’s life are in high school. Well, not for me. They were in college. In Peyups.

And it took all the wrong things to make it right. Negative times negative equals positive. Hah! That’s Algebra for you.


Tobias…Tuano…April 16, 2000

Nonie Tobias
BA Broadcast Communications
96-61230

I’m not being self-righteous when I say–to quote Jim Carey–“I can’t lie!”

Impromptu lying that is.

It already cost me several times, and the most expensive of which is P6,000, also known as the US Visa application fee.

I was assured by not a few people that the US Embassy was lenient these days because of the recession over there, na mas lenient sila to those who’d gone to Europe, etc. And my fiancé wanted to go there for our honeymoon kasi sayang naman daw ang kanyang precious visa if he’s not able to use it before it expires next year.

Ok fine. I gave up my dreams of a Maldives or Palau honeymoon.

I trooped to BPI and with eyes closed, paid the tumataganting na P6,000. Eventhough at the back of my head, I kept thinking na pandagdag din ‘to sa pambayad ng reception dinner.

Advise ng mga tao ay “just be honest”.

I think I got TOO honest. Ayan.

Taga-advertising pa naman din daw ako sabi ng isang well-meaning friend, kaya dapat expert ako sa pagsisinunaling. But that involves a pre-meditated and deliberate…er…uhm…”tweaking”….of facts.

Mistake # 1

Q: Who paid for your Europe trip?

A: My company.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID: Partly by my company and partly by me.

I did indeed save up for my Europe trip extension after the Cannes Advertising Festival. But the truth was, the combined allowances Burnett and Adboard gave us were enough to finance the trip. If I shelled out money, it was less than P10k.

Mistake # 2

Q: How much money do you have in your savings account?

A: (Taking note of the word “savings account”, I said,) P3,000.

The officer’s eyes widened and he incredulously said, “P3,000?! The ticket costs $1,800. How are you going to be able to pay for that?”

(THOUGHT BALLOON: Ah eh, didn’t you just ask how much I make monthly?)

I smiled. The truth was, my savings account indeed had only P3,000. But I told him I immediately transfer most my moneys to my time deposit accounts, one in Peso and one in Dollars.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID: I should have just lied and thought of a BIG amount. Anyway, he didn’t even ask to see my financial statements.

Mistake # 3

Q: How much money do you have in those accounts?

A: (Answered the truth which when combined, came up short of a few dollars to sum up to $1,800)

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID: I should’ve just lied and thought of a BIG amount. Anyway, he didn’t even ask to see my financial statements.

And then he started spewing out standard pampalubag-loob lines: thanks for this, thanks for that. Why didn’t he say, thank you for your P6,000? I knew what was coming even before he handed me that blue paper—so that was what the girl who went ahead of me was holding…

And I’m kinda pissed at myself, not so much for being denied, but for the “stupid” things I said. I knew it would’ve made a difference if I answered “correctly”.

Si Armin nga nag-imbento lang ng some design conference to attend to…5 years, multiple entry!

And yeah, P6,000 is P6,000. That’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t been applying for the longest time kasi ayoko masayang ang pera ko ‘pag na-deny ako.

I asked Ate My, our dear sexytary who had just been given a multiple entry visa, if she were asked how much money is in her savings account. She said no.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Baka ‘di pa talaga time makita ko ang Nu Yowk at Sen Fow.

Moving on. Where did I put that Palau travel agent’s number again?

Arbor ng jacket mo Marc…

When I was 6 years old, I had this pin attached to my breast which said, “Marcos pa rin!”, which my father prompted me to remove lest we wanted stones to come our way.

Fast forward to 22 years later, I had another encounter with another Marcos with a ‘u’…

As what you might have realized by now regarding my recent eHeads posts, he’s not exactly my fave ‘Head. Even back then when we would watch gigs, I and my friends would scramble to “assign” which eHead member belonged to us. Siempre pag-aagawan si Ely. And meron din naman may crush kay Raimund and Buddy. Pero kay Marcus…

But eHeads wouldn’t be eHeads without Marcus.

I’m an unabashed eHeads fan, but suprisingly, wala man lang akong pictures with them. Autograph meron (on their first and only issue of the official eHeads mag, Pillbox), picture wala. Kase naman, ‘di ko pa afford magka-camera noong height nang aking kabaliwan sa eHeads.

So this would be my first ever pic with a ‘Head. Sayang lang at ‘di ko naabutan si Buddy (and si Raimund this noon lang daw).

My officemates were scrambling for stuff they could get their hands on to be signed by Marcus. Sana lang, ‘di ko muna inalis ang hinayupak na ticket na ‘yan sa wallet ko para napa-pirmahan ko sana. Eh ‘di sana more than P1,339 ang worth nya ngayon.

And naisip ko rin ang mga eHeads cassette tapes (take note, casette tapes!) at old concert tickets ko sa bahay. Inggit ako kay JP who had all his eHeads CDs signed.

And so, kahit nahihiya ako, pumasok ako sa yosi room ng Burnett para lang magpa-peechoore.

Kahit hindi si Ely yun, nahiya, namula at nag-init ang buong……….mukha ko. San na kaya ako pupulutin kung si Ely yun? Salamat kay Jed sa pag-point out sa harap mismo ni Marcus na namumula ako. Galeng-galeng mo Jedi!

Pero I’m glad kinapalan ko ang fez ko at nagpaka-fan ako. Kinilig talaga ako. At nun kinuwento ko sa mga friends ko later that evening about my little adventure, kinikilig pa rin daw ako. *blush*

After dropping off my brand-new abay’s fabric at PGH, went straight to
the Fort. The sun was scorching hot, the kind that makes you lethargic
and sleepy.

We had to meet my Burnett officemates at Krispy Kreme at 4pm so we can all enter the VIP grounds together.

By this time, my ticket buyer was bugging me to give him my tix na (which
we scanned earlier that morning para may remembrance naman kami).

Eh sigurista ako. So sabi ko ‘pag nakapasok na kami sa VIP grounds, dun ko
na lang bibigay sa kanya ‘yung tix ko. Which proved to be the worst
decision I would have that night.

Anyway, so andun na kami sa venue. Upon seeing our humongous camera, the guard said bawal daw ang film camera. Duh.

We told him it was digital. Bawal daw ang may zoom. In a desperate attempt
to get our precious cam in, I said, “Eh hindi naman zoom ‘yan eh.”
24-105mm, ‘di nga zoom yun.

Anyway, bawal talaga ang professional cameras. I even asked Armin if our dated Canon 350D is considered a pro cam, he said yes. Ok fine. He had to leave it in the car. During these trying times, how I wish I had a point-and-shoot cam.

Even puppet rockstar, Gorgoro, nearly didn’t make it inside. He had to let go of his stroller.

During the registration, they had trouble finding my name pa. Ang nailagay sa
list ay Nonie ngunit ang dala kong ID ay bearing my pagkaganda-gandang
name na Mignon Wilhelma. And some staff kept typing Lonie instead of
Nonie. Eh wala ka ngang mahahanap ng Lonie Tobias nyan.

Salamat nga pala sa Marlboro—er, Sony BMG—para sa VIP pass.

Nakakaloka ang mga na-sight ko sa VIP grounds. May naka-satin gold bolero, todo make-up and heels! Heels??? Satin gold bolero kaya ko tanggapin, pero
heels??? Sa concert ng ‘Heads?

Tapos I heard pa conyow girls making usap, “You mean, you don’t know Alapaap?” with so much yabang in her twang na salita.

Sagot ng equally conyow friend nya, “Well, a little lang…”

May officamate naman akong nakapagpa-picture pa kay Aiza Suguerra. May naka-sight din daw kay Bianca Gonzales.

I also spotted Ketchup Eusebio and Borgy Manotoc together. Friends pala sila. At kilala pala ni Borgy ang eHeads.

By 6:41pm, papunta na daw ang aking ticket buyer. By 6:56pm, sorry daw at
may nakakita sa kanilang barkada at pinapasok sila sa backstage.

Paksyet. Gademmit kadet. Eh di sana, pinagbenta ko na pala dun sa mga taong
asking if my tix were still available. Kung ‘di ka lang nagbibigay ng
raket sa’kin ay ‘di na talaga kita kakausapin ever.

Naisip ko tuloy na sana pala binigay ko na tix kanina pa. Masyado ka kasi sigurista Nonie eh. Ang bilis ng karma talaga.

Labas kami ni Armin para magpaka-scalper at sya namang tawag nitong college
friend ko na gusto ng tix pero 7pm na ay nasa QC pa. Gudlak.

So pasok na kami sa loob ulit.

I thought it wouldn’t start on time, just like all the other Pinoy events
I’ve attended. But at exactly 8pm, a countdown starting at 10:00
appeared on the bigger-than-life screen.

Tangena. I started to feel agitated. As each minute passed by, I jumped up and down. I couldn’t help myself. Eto na, totoo na talaga.

3…2…1… and the familiar chords of Alapaap started to waft in the air. Sabi ko na, they will start with it! And then I saw 5-inch persons that were Ely,
Raimund, Buddy and Marcus.

ELLLYYY! I MISSED YOOOUUU!!!

As I jumped up and down to the chords that came in between “O anong
sarap…” and “…hanggang sa dulo ng mundo”, it instantly transported me
back to the time when I was jumping up and down to the same tune on the
soils of UP Sunken Garden during a UP Fair that seemed oh so long ago.

I felt like crying.

And then Ely said, “Thank you, good night!” And that single sentence alone
elicited such huge cheer from the 30 thousand-something strong crowd.

Of course that wasn’t the end of it. They played for the next, thank God,
1 and ½ hours, and not 45 minutes as what’s been circulating in blogspheres.

Of course they played crowd pleasers such as Ligaya, Fruitcake, Toyang, Wag Mo Nang Itanong, With a Smile, among others.

But I was also glad to hear some less familiar songs, those that only a
true blue fan would know. And I was surrounded by true blue fans.

In between songs, people were shouting, “Group hug! Group hug! Group hug!” Deadma ang group.

My face was so drenched with perspiration. Para akong naghilamos ng tubig,
pero maalat. But I didn’t care. Na-burn ko siguro yung calories that I
consumed for the whole day sa kakatalon at kakasigaw at kakakan………..ta.

They ended the first set with Light Years from their Fruitcake album. Lights
out and then “20:00” flashed across the big screen.

Tangena. May second set, syet. This was more than what I hoped for.

Little did I know that the last song would become foretelling to what’s gonna happen in the next 20 minutes…

We went outside to call my college friend but they’ve just arrived and were desperately looking for parking.

Ang tagal. Parang ang tagal ng 20 minutes ah…

We decided to check out the countdown and were surprised to see people rushing out. I even heard “stampede” somewhere.

And then I lost sight of Armin. I panicked. Ayokong maapakan syet.

And I saw him and we went inside and found several people who weren’t Ely,
Raimund, Buddy and Marcus, lined up on the stage, praying.

We asked a nearby Mcdo waitress what happened. Sinugod daw sa hospital si
Ely. Bumigay daw ang katawan sa physical and emotional stress. Tapos na
ang concert.

“(Ely) you’re light years away…you’re light years away…from…me…”

But thankfully, the crowd was a decent one. People clapped and cheered and walked out peacefully from the venue.

Met up with my college friend Carlo and his girlfriend Maricel. Carlo is another hardcore eHeads fan.

After scouring the whole of Boni Hi-street for a place to eat, we ended up at
Jill’s, at the “old” Fort. And sobra syang nabitin at nainis. Sana si
Gary V. na lang daw ang nag-finale, “Bitin na bitin ako…hoowow!”

Si Armin naman, solb na daw sa 1 ½ hours of tugtugan. Napagod din daw sya.

Ang dami pang sikat na songs ang ‘di na-play: Pare Ko, El Bimbo, Magasin,
Minsan, Overdrive, Shirley, Torpedo, Para sa Masa, etc. Baka they were
saving it for the second set.

And I was hoping they would also play: Superproxy, Spoliarium, Poorman’s Grave and Waiting for the Bus.

We were talking about what finale song would it have been. And it was a toss among Pare Ko, El Bimbo or Para sa Masa.

And when all the tiredness had somewhat waned, Armin admitted na, oo nga,
bitin nga. Parang ang tagal inabangan ng mga tao…ang laki ng hype…tapos
‘di natapos…

But if you think about what just happened to Ely–his mom dying and all but still, the pressure to play because heneeded to, he owed it to the fans–I think you’ll be able to empathize.

On Sunday morning, I woke up rather sad. I have come to accept that last
night was going to be the last time I would see them playing together
and like many other people who trooped to the venue, I wanted the
concert to end at it should, to hear all the others songs that have
endeared them to us.

Sila lang ang celebrities na may effect sa’kin ng ganito.

Mahal ko pa rin talaga si Ely. Kahit ‘di nya naman alam kung sino ako.

I just had to content myself with playing their songs on my iTunes and a P1,339 worth of memorabilia ticket.

click for pics

check out his music video

"Hindi naman nakakabutas ng baga ang musika….."

I hate to burst your bubble

Or rain on your parade

Coz you’ve gone through all the troubles

Preparations you have made.

But I got a little news

It’s really not that good

I don’t wanna spoil your party

But I really think I should.

You may have been naughty

You may have been nice

Well it doesn’t really matter at all

Throw your stockings right out the window

Coz santa ain’t comin’ no mo’…

…so goes Catholic Engage Encounter’s tagline.

Kung iisipin mo nga naman, brides and grooms-to-be spend months, even a year, of planning for something that will only happen for a day. At kasama na’ko dun.

We tend forget that there’s something more pressing, which also needs much careful planning and preparing for, the reason that weddings take place in the first place: marriage.

CEE and a similar retreat for marrying couples, Arneyow’s Discovery Weekend, are quite “notorious” for having high casualties. That is, couples breaking up after attending the weekend (I know of two couple friends of mine: one broke of their engagement but ended up marrying still after a year; the other wasn’t engaged but broke off shortly afterwards). They’ve probably realized or discovered something wrong in the relationship, or what they have wasn’t enough to take them to the “next level.”

Armin and I were pretty confident that we wouldn’t break up. But that didn’t stop us from joking around and telling each other that we might…and me thinking at the back of my head…what if we do…?

That’s why we opted for this, instead of the “lecture” in the church required to be attended of brides and grooms-to-be. We’re not even sure if our certificates would be accepted in the parish we’re gonna marry in. But this isn’t about fulfilling a requirement. This weekend is for us, for our future.

He was excited about our weekend, I was keen on learning more about him because I felt that there might be certain things he doesn’t say to me…out of fear, hehe.

I didn’t learn anything significantly new about him though. Almost everything that we had written in our notebooks about each other, we already knew. Like he’s such a slob, I’m such a nagger. Or the fact that he’s in his own little world most of the time and that I’m such…a nagger.

But it’s not to say that it was a complete waste of the P4,500 fee. This weekend has only validated the fact that ours is a very open, honest and trusting relationship. Armin has the kind of honesty that every girlfriend dreams of. I really thank God for giving me someone like him.

Most importantly, this retreat validated our feelings for each other and why we’re getting married in the first place.

And of course, it’s not all about your feelings for each other. The speakers also imparted the more practical aspects of marriage like decision-makings, setting priorities in terms of money, time and values, natural method of family-planning (the Billings Method), etc.

Needless to say, they will tell you that pre-marital sex is a mortal sin. And there’s such a thing as Second Chastity–that is, abstaining from sex until your honeymoon. Father Dave Clay posted it as a challenge for couples actively engaged in PMS. Challenge? You bet.

I very much recommend this weekend for my couple friends out there. You don’t even have to be engaged or thinking of marriage. It will open a lot of eyes and ears and hearts and tear ducts.

And it isn’t all about breaking up. We also heard of a guy proposing to his girlfriend right after the weekend. Malay nyo mga girls, di ba?

CEE Schedules: Aug. 16-17, Sept 20-21, Nov. 22-23. Contact Dado Hipolito for details: 0917-6296641

Murphy’s Law. If anything can go wrong, it will. If there’s more than
one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will
result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do
it that way. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Whatever can go
wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst
possible way.

It’s one of nature’s laws that is feared most by brides come their wedding day. Be it a rainy day, a zipper that won’t work, an ATV that won’t start, etc. The rule is, something will always go wrong on your BIG day for the simple reason that there is simply nothing perfect in this world.

In my case, it happened 4 months before my wedding. I have lost not one…not two…but THREE of my Bride’s Maids.

I have always pictured these three girls walking before me down the aisle. Waaay back when I still had zero body fat. Waaay before I’ve found the man I would want to marry.

In my mind, they were The Ones. Nauna pa silang napag-desisyunan ko kaysa sa pakakasalan ko.

BUT.

I lost Bride’s Maid #1, Eileene, last year when she got married and moved to L.A. with her family.

Ok, I’ve recovered from that already. I’ve seen that coming even before my fiancé proposed to me.

Yesterday, at about 4 in the afternoon, I’ve lost Bride’s Maid #2, Louanne. She told me she has to go to Texas in November for training.

I immediately racked my brains for a replacement. But I suddenly realized
that I felt very much alone. The Internet jargon the guy in front of me
was spewing out just won’t register.

Last night, 15 minutes before midnight, I lost Bride’s Maid #3, Pin. She has to go to Russia in October to work there for a while.

I immediately grabbed the PSP to distract myself to sleep. And in my dreams, I received two text messages from them saying that their impending out-of-the-country stints weren’t sure anymore.

And this morning, I woke up to Pin’s SMS saying that it’s a sure thing.

If I had known this earlier, I would’ve changed my wedding date. I’ve done it before (not once…not twice…but thrice) and I CAN do it again. But so much DPs have already been paid for…

Even for someone as “cliquish” as me, I have a dozen of girlfriends to choose from for replacements (I’m even quite surprised that for someone
as anti-social as Yours Truly, I can’t seem to trim down the long guest
list).

But for someone as “cliquish” as me, it ain’t easy replacing girls you have known almost all your life.

I’m just so genuinely, deeply sad right now. I think I’m going to cry. Wait lang…

P.S. Calling on Mica & Chie, please don’t run out on me too, okay? Hindi ko na alam kung san ako pupulutin…

Sino itong mga nag-contract signing para sa isang reunion concert?

Alam mo…meron akong pangarap…sana…matupad na…

Sa wakas, ay nakita ko na…ang aking hinahanap…

Ayun sa aking “reliable source” na si Gorgoro Henson (the first and only puppet musician in the country), ang inaakala ng marami na imposibleng mangyari–dahil na nga sa mga ‘di pagkakaunawaan ng grupo na naging sanhi ng kanilang pag-disband—ay Posible! Impossible is Nothing. Just do it.

Bago natin maramdaman ang “berrr”, ang grupong ito ay kakantang muli at tinatantyang mala-El Shaddai proportions ang dami ng taong manunuod.

Clue: Apat na Sikat. Jockpot. Dead lahat. Ang bigat.

‘Wag nyo nang itanong sa akin, ‘di ko rin naman sasabihin.

My mouth is zip-py-dee-do-dah, zip-py-dee-day! Hip-hop hurray!

‘Di mapakali, bagamat hinahanap, nababaliw tuwing naalala ang init

‘Cuz it’s so hard to believe!

Kung ‘di nyo pa na-gets, ewan ko kung anong heads meron kayo!

Gaddemit kadet, I wouldn’t miss this for the world, come hell or high water!

I was so excited to have my passport renewed. I had to endure five years of looking at an ugly picture of myself staring back at me from beneath that green cover.

I am not one of those fortunate people who manage to look great even in ID pictures. Only a few and the blessed leave photo-me booths unscathed by the distortion that happens in pictures taken by an average camera with an average lens, especially when shot at a close range.

I have but one–one, single ID picture out of all the ID pictures I own in my entire life–where I managed to look “decent”. Tsumamba syet! It was supposed to be my first passport picture. Take note: supposed to be.

But no.

Five years ago, I brought those pictures to DFA only to be told by those grumpy, rude, arrogant people also known as government employees, that they simply cannot accept them because I was wearing dangling earrings (stupid photo-me photographer).

Fuck.eet.gademit.kadet.

P120 down the drain.

A smelly, black oversized jacket with 80s padded shoulders-and-“Magja-Japan po ba kayo?” quip later, I’d with me 6 of the ugliest ID pictures I’ve ever seen in my entire life (I think that Japan comment made them much worse).

Kaching! Kaching! 150-fuckin’-pesos down the drain.

And now, five years later, the opportunity to have a pretty and perfect passport picture has come my way.

I have the very best tools at my disposal: great camera, great lens, a tripod, a willing and patient photographer-slash-fiancé, and of course, the most important factor—the wonderful opportunity to look at the outcome, thanks to the wonders of digital photography.

With a little angling to the right, I’d with me the prettiest ID picture I’ve ever had.

But alas! The new, “hi-tech” processing of our passports has rendered my pretty pictures UNACCEPTABLE. Burnett’s travel agent informed me and another one of my colleagues that our pictures have SHADOWS!

WTF???

And so the time has come for me to cross paths with the photo-mes of DFA again. No oversized jackets with American football pads this time (also, no Japayuki comments). Instead they have these improvised, collared fabrics in hideous shades of pink, light green and light blue that they drape over your shoulders. I opted for the safe (read: least ugliest) color of beige.

I couldn’t even slant my face just a teeny bit to favor my best angle dahil sinisita ako ni mamang photographer.
   

No amount of make-up could free us from the inevitable. Even if I had the chance to look at the outcome in that cute LCD screen, the picture was still ugly.

Well, not as ugly as my first one, but still ugly—and “mapula” according to that arrogant dyke at Window 8. Hoy, sa’yo na ‘yang Panda ballpen mo! Aanhin ko ‘yan eh ang dami-dami kong lapis!

And some of my officemates who were with me also had their ID pics rejected for reasons ranging from shadows to not-enough-headroom to it-looks-computerzied (doh!). Next thing you’ll hear, they’ll be rejecting a photo because the blue background isn’t at par to their standards.

Given that there’s a new, computerized passport, DFA should release guidelines on what should be the right passport picture or they could just have applicants have their photos taken in “accredited” photo-mes to avoid all the hassles.
   

And also, they should do something with their employees. Not only DFA but every other government office in the country. Why is it that they, even the security guards, act as if utang mo ang buhay mo sa kanila? Why do they have to talk down on you and treat you like a lower-class citizen?

“Hoy ate, buwis ko ang nagpapasueldo sa’yo!”

The Burnett travel agent was even worried that my outfit—a sleeveless blouse—was going to be an issue once I face a window attendant. He didn’t warn us the day before ‘cuz he didn’t think we’ll wear that kind of clothing to the office.

Duh koya, taga-ahensiya po kami! And duh pa uli kasi tingnan nyo naman ‘yung mga suot ng mga window attendants. Kulang na lang sofa, nasa bahay na sila. And I do not even mean to be condescending. I am just stating a sad fact.

‘Twas the longest, most chaotic one hour of my life.